cancer & confetti
or: Fascism, Brolicharchy, Dying Mothers & Defending my Joy
Fewocious at The Confetti Project / Image by Jelena Aleksich // Brooklyn, NY /// May 2019
My Mom is dying. Fascism is on the rise. A small group of evil corporate overlords is trying to Handmaid’s Tale us. My brilliant, funny friend died of bladder cancer at age 49.
I’m out here buying pretty things on the internet.
I have no regerts.
This will be an essay mostly in photos. I am very, very tired.
February was:
setting up temporary-house in FL
gathering 95% of my possessions from 4 places in NY (thanks Kenneth, Deniz, Marghe, Owen!) and two places in Los Angeles (Thanks Adam M. & Samia!)
[This would be 87% of my possessions which were in storage in NYC, and 17%, that resided in my friend’s garage and parking lot storage. Wait. That doesn’t math. My Vespa (Loralei!) is being shipped across the country as I type. So that’s what I’m counting as the final final 5%. Oh, maths. Sigh.]
driving a 12-foot box truck from NY to Baltimore to Savannah to FL (mostly with Jon! thanks Jon!)
Baby’s First Box Truck Drive / baby in question very pleasantly surprised that she can Totally Do This! // Queens, NY /// February 2025
shortly thereafter, flying to L.A. and,
Hi from the sky (wearing a giant fucking bow), thanks to the buddy pass Stephany gave me! (Thanks Stephany!) / “Sitting in a chair, IN THE SKY” // February 2025
while packing up
Ah, so many bins. Ah, so many boxes. / my friend’s garage // Mt. Washington, LA, CA // February 2025
the remaining 17% of my possessions,
This is how we pack / my friend’s garage // Mt. Washington, LA, CA // February 2025
managing to see as many people I love as humanly possible (for someone who is slightly manic and rather time-optimistic) — which is, honestly, rather a lot of people, if I do pat myself on the back… myself—
and then rushing back to St. Pete (thank you friend for flying me home; you know who you are) because mom went into the hospital again,
She broke 3 ribs these time, and breaking bones for dementia patients is the beginning of the end, but at least the pain meds and the anti-anxiety pills produced this mood for a few hours… (Thanks for the stuffed kitty, Adam! She is still considering what to name it. I suggested “Adam.” She thought you might be offended.) / St. Petersburg, FL // February 2025
… to meet with Hospice and sign a DNR. My mom and I are now collaborating on the project of her dying. She is as yet unaware of the endeavor. Unaware or… perhaps not admitting to being aware? Semi-aware? Liminally aware? Aware intermittently? Who can tell? Does it matter? I’m not certain she knows she is actively dying. I have sought professional opinions, and I cannot find a compelling reason to tell her.
This level of adulting ON HARD MODE requires treats.
Hard Mode pin, one of the greatest gifts I’ve received (Thank you Schlomo. Never have I ever felt a pin more in my soul.) / Tahoe // November 2022
Profuse treats, liberally given. By me to me. Thanks me!
(I might have actually, finally, figured something out about being a loving parent to myself.)
I feed/fed myself very delicious things.
Omnomnomnomnomnom the massaman curry at Jitlada / Los Angeles, CA // February 2025
I also defended my joy in other ways in L.A.:
A little stroll to Jitlada through touristland, for funsies / Hollywood, CA // February 2025
A ceremonial visit to The Last Bookstore / DTLA // February 2025 // Photo cred: Samia Mounts a Substack
Taking prettypretty self-portraits / the most de-light-full private residence (see what I did there? not sorry, zero regerts.) // Venice, CA /// February 2025
Always stopping for street art (in this case, at the artist’s house! would’ve knocked on her door had I not been desperate for the loo!) / Palos Verdes? Or was it Torrence? // LA, CA /// February 2025 //// Artist: Elle Starlight
So. Now. Cancer & confetti.
The Confetti Project / Image by Jelena Aleksich // Brooklyn, NY /// May 2019
Do you know the story of Jelena Aleksich?
When her father was dying of cancer, and she desperately needed something to balance her days full of hospitals and tests and needles and chemo, she began doing celebratory photo shoots. Tons of confetti. Colorblocked backdrops. Aptly, she titled this: The Confetti Project.
Each photo shoot called for a mini interview (even on community shoot days, when she would photograph 10+ [20+?] people in a feat of endurance that can only be called a confetti-arathon) in which she invited you to name precisely what you were celebrating. In which she insisted you think about celebration.
So, on the terribleawfulnogoodverybad day my mother didn’t recognize me for the first time, I decided… to do mermaid shit. I texted my friend Kristi Ann (highly mermaid herself) about this:
This adulting with a parent with dementia shit is so hard. I decided to sign up for a mermaid photo shoot I found on the Internet.
And she texted back:
“IT'S CALLED BALANCE ❤️🧜🏼♀️”
The year I partipated in The Confetti Project pictured above and above above and below, I was celebrating the fact that my horizontal with lila podcast had its 2nd birthday, or, as I liked to call it, my podcast-aversary!
The Confetti Project with Tiana / by Jelena Aleksich // Brooklyn, NY /// May 2019
Instead of Jelena’s days being filled with cancer and nothing but cancer so help her, her days were filled with cancer… and confetti.
My version is not as consistently confettified, but usually on part in the whimsy department.
I am in deep communion with my inner 6 year-old girl right now.
And she likes, among other things: big fucking bows on top of her head, long dangly earrings, mermaids, pretty pretty princess dresses, Disney movies from The Little Mermaid through The Lion King years, sparkly mirrors (and more)!
Clockwise from upper left: At LaTonya Hicks’ gorgeous FloridaRAMA exhibition in St. Pete, packing boxes in L.A., Mermaiding on Madeira Beach, kicking off International Women’s Day at a coffeeshop in St. Pete, Protest Barbie outfit planning in Gulfport, & Mermaids Who Drive Cars / Feb-March 2025
Communing with her is healing me. It is balancing the cosmic scales of Hard Mode Adulting (TM!) and Play that I’ve been I’ve been dancing with since I came out of my 2024 depression.
After the roaring global success of The Vagina Monologues, Eve Ensler gave a TED talk. It was about the ‘girl cell’ in all of us. She called it “Embrace your inner girl.” I must have watched it 15 years ago, but this part left such an imprint on me that I paraphrase it to this day:
I think the whole world has essentially been brought up not to be a girl. How do we bring up boys? What does it mean to be a boy? To be a boy really means not to be a girl. To be a man means not to be a girl. To be a woman means not to be a girl. To be strong means not to be a girl. To be a leader means not to be a girl. I actually think that being a girl is so powerful that we've had to train everyone not to be that.
What is girl, that everyone is so afraid to be one?
Or act like one?
Ensler says earlier in her speech, and I do not disagree:
And then I want you to imagine that this girl cell is compassion, and it's empathy, and it's passion itself, and it's vulnerability, and it's openness, and it's intensity, and it's association, and it's relationship, and it is intuitive. And then let's think how compassion informs wisdom, and that vulnerability is our greatest strength, and that emotions have inherent logic, which lead to radical, appropriate, saving action. And then let's remember that we've been taught the exact opposite by the powers that be […]
I have neglected my inner 6 year-old girl for so long, or, rather, kept her bound up in the costume closet like Olive Oyl on railroad tracks, forced to act like an “adult,” except for the rare moments in which she felt very, very safe with a friend, so safe that I didn’t worry whether they would question my intelligence or my talent or my capabilities, in which case both Muppet Gremlin Lila and Princess Rockstar Lila came out to play.
Can you help but see the resemblance? / Cookie Monster Lila // Los Angeles, CA /// January 2024
Here, in no particular order, is a list (don’t call it a listicle, that makes it sound so… hairy and pendulous), a list of the Ways I am stoking the flames of my Joy, as the guv’mint enacts a blitzkrieg of human devolution and all of us in our right minds fear for our rights and our health and our choices:
Cats (cat videos, cat snuggles, cat purrs, borrowed cats)
No, I mean, he wants to be there. He could be anywhere! / Crowley, Samia’s kitten // Tarzana, CA /// February 2025
Naming (and cuddling with) stuffed animals
Naming, and lovingly polishing the leaves of, plants
This is Artemis! / St. Pete, FL // February 2025
This is Serafina! / St. Petersburg, FL // January 2025
And this is Raising Arizona (2) / St. Petersburg, FL // February 2025
FloridaRAMA (a teeny tiny Floridian Meow Wolf!)
Whimsy with Marghe / FloridaRAMA // February 2025
Dressing up / wearing big fucking bows on the top of my head
Big bow, pretty raincoat, can’t lose! / FloridaRAMA // St. Petersburg, FL /// February 2025
Toastmasters
Hey. Love You. texts as a practice
Winter Pride
The Inaugural St. Pete Winter Pride kickoff party / Cocktail // St. Pete, FL /// February 2025
Hanging out at the Happiness Spot
My friend Adam created this place! / The Community Happiness Project // St. Petersburg, FL /// February 2025
(Did I mention) Giant fucking bows on my head (Yes I suppose I did!)
Many beverages in fun tall cups
Roller skating
Video taken by my dear friend Aaron James Cassou, who is also fighting for his joy after the Altadena fire took his family home — his GoFundMe is here / Glendale, CA // February 2025
Pickleball (I even got my own pretty racket!)
Shuffleboard (Surprisingly fun! Not just for old people! Also for tired people!)
Word games (Faves: Codenames, Scrabble, Fishbowl, Poetry for Neanderthals)
Canna beverages
Canna bevvy from Grassroots, accessories from RISK boutique / St. Petersburg, FL // February 2025
Making valentines
Sweetie handmade Valentines / Gulfport, FL // February 2025
Giving gifts
Big poufy skirts
Toastmasters (wait, did I say that already? enh. worth saying twice!)
Riding ebikes
Forrest at the Rad shop made this little video of me and my new biiiike! / St. Petersburg, FL // January 2025
Ebike AND big fucking bow And cats AND the Happiness Spot AND mermaid hair?! Much joy. / St. Petersburg, FL // March 2025
Dancing in headphones to my records (I am a RECORD PLAYER OWNER now. I have 50 records. Lookit me go!)
Singing, often at karaoke (Always healing, expressive, joyful)
Here I am sangin’ “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” at Lala / St. Petersburg, FL // March 2025
Boba (mmm. want boba right now.)
So, from the loft bed in my old room at the Villa, where I became an intimacy specialist, where I recorded the very first horizontal with lila episodes, and where I am staying now before my friend’s memorial, I say to you, darling:
There will always be cancer in one of its many forms — death, disease, divorce, fascism, disability. . .
But may we always have — in equal or greater intensity — confetti.
I love you.
The Cookie Monster shot is EVERYTHING. COO-KEE!! 🍪
Beautiful. Thank you for this wonderful reminder to fill our lives with joy. BALANCE. I love you too!!!